Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Living with Anxiety


Hello, everyone. I'm taking a break from my usual posting of book or product reviews to give you an inside peek of who I am as a person. I have always been a really anxious person. I don't remember a time in my life where I haven't been filled with worry or doubt. Even as a child I was constantly worrying about my family or my friends. I know those are things people normally worried about, but an 8 year old laying awake in bed at night thinking about what she would do if her family ended up dying isn't a thing a normal 8 year old should think about.

It's normal to feel anxious or nervous. That's what everyone tells me. "Oh, it's fine. Go order your food you need to get over it sometime." or "Just go talk to them! Who cares if they don't like you?" I care a lot. About everything. My mind is constantly on-the-go and very rarely does it decide to take a break. Even when I'm sleeping my dreams are anxiety riddled and filled with paranoia.

My day-to-day thoughts are consistent. Are my clothes so tight that people will judge me for being bigger? I can't talk to them because I'll stutter and someone will have a less than positive opinion on me. I'm going to fail this test. I can't ask for extra sauce because I don't want to be an inconvenience. On and on and on it goes.

I am constantly rehearsing conversations I may or may not have the following day in my head so I'll be "prepared' for anything. Even with a pre-thought thought, I still manage to stutter anytime someone I'm not comfortable with asks me a question. I hold every single bit of my money and count it before I go into the store so I'm not standing in line counting it and hearing a woman behind me tell her kids she's in a hurry. I sit in the middle of class and wait for people to get up to turn their tests in so I don't draw attention to myself by being the first one done.

Anxiety is a very big issue for me. It impacts my life so much that it interferes with everything I do constantly. It is a never-ending cycle. Sometimes I even wish that I could just stop thinking, in any way possible, and other times I'm like, "Ah, this life isn't too bad. A lot of others have it way worse than I do." Then that makes me feel worse. I'm a very privileged person, so I feel as if I have no right to feel the way I do.

I live with other mental illnesses, but anxiety is the toughest one for me. Dealing with the sweaty hands, my heart skipping beats, the shortness of breath, panic and fear in uncomfortable situations, horrible sleeping patterns, tension headaches, making myself sick  from worry, and the dizziness I get when in crowds are the things that control my life constantly.

I've been called weird, strange, out-there, awkward, uptight, a bitch, hateful, closed-off. Everyone seems to want to judge, but not everyone wants to learn about mental illnesses. This is my life, and this is what dictates my life until I find a way to control this for myself.

Help raise awareness. Be mindful that the people you come across who are seen as different are most likely battling a war in their minds. We need more understanding, and a lot less judgment.

7 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this...I checked off many of the things I also struggle with as I read...especially the points about peoples' opinion of me.. and the teeder todder of rationalizing everything. Sometimes I think people just write off anxiety like it's a bug you catch and will get over. I have to ask for a lot of help and understanding from my husband and close family members but the more I talk about it, the more they understand. I used to hide it but now it's something I can openly talk about and it helps. Hugs.

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    1. You're very welcome! I know a lot of people struggle with anxiety on a daily basis and are just too afraid to speak about it out of fear of being misunderstood or talked to like they're about to just get over it and stop worrying. It's such an awesome feeling when family and friends finally catch on. Lol!

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  2. I deal with a lot of what you are saying... We live in an age where there is a lot more understanding then there was but there are still prejudices... My greatest ones I deal with are the ones I have towards myself...

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  3. Something that's helped me with anxiety is Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. Reminding myself to think of the now instead of the future helps sometimes. I know it cant fix everything but hope it can ease your mind a little!

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  4. I deal with this daily as well. Sometimes I feel like it affects my parenting. I never really liked to talk about it in the past, but it was worse years ago. I remember just breaking down on a regular basis. But I think having my toddlers has helped a bit.

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  5. I can relate to this post in some parts, you just have to try and get over your fears try something each day that will help you get over each anxiety or pet peeve that you have.

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  6. Our society is so quick to disregard mental illnesses even though so many people deal with it. It is so nice that you decided to connect with your readers in this way! I think it's great that you are constantly working past your struggles. Just your website alone is testament to how strong you are and how strong you can be. Best of luck in your journeys!

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